Keeping my head above water...

Ya know... Having a personal blog is a weird kinda thing. I mean, I can't speak for everyone, but at least for me, I start mine off for the sole reason of having an outlet to express myself. So many times it helps to just get something off your chest. You don't really want anyone to "fix" it, you just want the opportunity to express it. But then after it's started, there's things I start to type and tell myself "You can't publish that!" I become my own sensor, not wanting to give the impression that I'm weak, vulnerable, make mistakes and have differences of opinion with those around me.

So, the very thing I took on as a way to lighten my burden actually has the opposite effect! I know I must be careful, the Lord gives us instructions to watch our tongue, and He knows I struggle with that a lot! But why do I think twice about admitting I cried today? Why am I embarrassed to admit I'm struggling? Because I don't want to let others down? Folks are always telling me how "strong" I am, and how I can do anything. The thing is, they don't see me in my moments alone when I break down. When I cry out to my God for comfort, because I feel lost.

Why? Why am I afraid for others to see I'm human? Because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I don't want to hear "It must be so hard with your husband gone." I don't want to be reminded of all my struggles! I swear I'm a walking contradiction! And I am more than happy to blame it on being a woman! (Gotta love the hormone excuse!)

So yeah, I cried today. I still haven't done my daughter's hair, we've had the TV on preschooler shows all day. I've spent over an hour doing the church's finances, trying to track down a few adding errors I've made and making out checks for bills. Shipping out an order or two, baking cupcakes for my son's class tomorrow, taking the puppy out for frequent potty breaks, and taking her on her walk. My kitchen is a disaster area, and the living room is only clean because of our new puppy! She forces the kids to keep the floor clean! I need to mow but I just don't have the energy. It's not super tall yet, so it'll survive. And in the middle of it all, I'm forcing myself to just keep going.

Tonight is Calvary Kids Club (CKC). It's kind of like Awana. This is what I had picked my oldest up from last week that he had his major attitude with me which led to him swinging at me. As I dug into the situation to try to figure out what the heck was going on, I found that there's another boy there that just started coming a few weeks ago. This boy is the same age as my son, but built more solidly. Well, he and my son had gotten into a heated moment, not an all out fight, but the tension was there. So when I picked him up and asked why his brand new sneakers were ripped already, he had all that tension in him that came flying out at me.

That night I had told him he wasn't getting to go to CKC the next week. My kids love CKC, but if that's the attitude I'm going to get from him after it, he doesn't need it. Now, a week later, and having time to really think about it, I'm not sure I'm going to have him go back to it at all. I mean, they do talk about God and a Bible verse, but a lot of it is playing with the kids and doing crafts. All good things, but I think what my son really needs is time with me. This poor boy is 10 years old and his father has not been a real part of his life since he was 3. He's had no real man to look up to, and now he gets like no time with me. So I think I'm going to give up my hour to myself every Wednesday night and spend it with him instead. I'll still get my errands done, but hopefully the two of us can reconnect. We'll see how it goes anyway.